We don't need you

Rockets beat the Hornets.

Official playoff scenarios

copied and pasted from Kuharsky:

HOUSTON TEXANS

Houston clinches a playoff spot:

1) HOU win + NYJ loss or tie + BAL loss or tie

2) HOU win + NYJ loss or tie + DEN loss or tie

3) HOU win + BAL loss or tie + DEN loss or tie

Trady McGrady

I want to play *HUFF* more than seven *HUFF* minutes at a time *HUFF*. And I don't *HUFF*want to have to *HUFF*play defense *HUFF*.




NO.



Well, I'm going home, then.



Fine.

Texans win!

Playoff hopes still alive!



UPDATE:

How the Texans get into the playoffs:

Texans win next week versus New England.

Baltimore lost today. They need to lose next week to Oakland.

Jets need to lose to the Colts today. Or next week.

OR

Broncos lose two.

I repeat:

Sunday Bullets

- Merry Christmas and all that.

- WTF is with all these back to backs for the Rockets? Why is the NBA schedule always so jacked up? Four back to backs in two weeks? Jesus Christ. I suppose it's supposed to even out over the season, but doesn't this amount of repetitive use lead to injuries (case in point, Chase "Bud Light" Budinger?)

- Even though Carl Landry lost his teeth, he's still bringing it every night. Carl Landry is a MAN. A BEAST even.

- WTF with Von Wafer failing his physical? Really bad choice to go to Greece. And I liked Von.

- Texans need to win. It's "the biggest game of the season" -- until the next one. Technically, we've never lost to the Dolphins. Technically. I love my Texans, and I always root for them (or, at least, against their opponents {FUCK YOU PEY-PEY!}), but to say I was brimming with confidence is just not right. Go Texans.

- Astros. WTF?

- Soundtrack: We Were Promised Jetpacks "A Half Built House"

FIRE THIS MAN

Kris Brown continues to suck. Why is he still our kicker? Are we waiting for him to shank one against the Dolphins or Patriots and doom our so-called playoff hopes?



Texans win, but look like dogshit doing it. I had a flashback to the Raiders game last year, but fortunately, this turned out okay, another Kris Brown missed field goal notwithstanding.

Notes:

- Andre Johnson is a Beast. A very humble beast, but still Beastly. However, I do not understand why the Texans are the only team in the NFL not to utilize the redzone-float-it-into-the-back-of-the-endzone-and-let-our-bad-ass-wide-receiver-go-up-and-get-it play? I mean, it's not like he's not the best wide receiver in the NFL.

- Texans Running Backs. They all suck. Especially you, Chris Brown. Why don't you live up to your reputation and get some kind of injury and disappear. Y'know, like a torn vulva. Will we see any more of Arian Foster? Chris Henry? Please no more Chris Brown. Please.

- Texas Defense. Loved the Connor Barwin sack. Loved the Antonio Smith sack and the hurry that led to the Barber interception. Loved that Null overthrew the deep ball every time Dunta got beat. Speaking of ...

- Dunta. Has anyone gone from a fan favorite to (okay, one of the) worst player(s) on a team? I have no idea why opposing teams don't throw a deep ball on Dunta's man every play. It's good for at least a pass interference call.

- Schaub is still golden to me. He's been outstanding all year, even without any semblance of a running game. And, fortunately, he seemed to avoid his weekly-boneheaded-interception-thrown-directly-to-an-opposing-player-with-no-other-Texan-even-near-him. Of course, having lived through the David Carr years, I'll take it.

- Kubiak. Still think he's getting canned at the end of the year, still not sure if it's the right move or not. On one hand, it seems like we're so close to breaking through. On the other hand, we say that every year. On one hand, he's the best coach we've ever had. On the other, we've had two coaches, period. On one hand, Kubiak is an offensive genius. On the other, he's clueless about defense, special teams, challenges, clock management, getting the team ready to play every week, seems baffled at times, coddles certain players (Kris Brown, Chris Brown {seems like a trend}, Steve Slaton {although, with Slaton's "numbness" in his arms, it could be an explanation for all the fumbles that were totally not a problem last year} -- although, now that I think about it, Chris Brown probably has some type of incriminating pictures of Kubes, Kris Brown is probably blackmailing the entire Texans organization with the fact that he was told to intentionally miss the game-winning field goal in the so-called "Reggie Bush Bowl" against the 49ers so we'd get the first pick in the draft, and, well, with Slaton, have you seen our other Running Backs?). On the one hand, Kubiak is our coach. On the other hand, I fear change.

- Fuck Chris Brown.

- Fuck Kris Brown.

Carl Landry is a MAN!

Dirk Nowitzki bashes out five of Carl Landry's teeth. Understandably, Carl had to go to the hospital for emergency dental work. Dirk, on the other hand, begs out of the game because he has teeth stuck in his arm. Pussy.

Let's not forget that Carl was shot in the leg and lost a tooth to Carlos Boozer during the playoffs (and stayed in the game). And, he had a run-in with the legendary elbows of Dikembe Mutombo in practice and lost a tooth there, too.

But he'll be back to play and kick ass like he always does. And Dirk, he'll be known as the one who had to leave a game because someone's teeth were stronger than his illegal elbow.

Of course, this is the NBA, and no foul was called.

Rockets win, of course. Bitches.

UPDATE: Mavs owner Mark Cuban to protest the refereeing in this game, specifically a "flagrant foul" by Aaron Brooks on Erick Dampier. let's remember that Aaron Brooks is generously listed at 6'0" and Dampier calls himself "The Best Center in the West" and is listed at 6'11" and 265 lbs. Please. Cuban, this is a flagrant foul:

Texans win! What took so damn long?

image from Kissing Suzy Kolber

Why Houston House of Pain?

Because being a sports fan in Houston is painful.







and last, but definitely not least: